i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
