He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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