tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
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