Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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