i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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