He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
