I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
