I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
