i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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