I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
