I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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