Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I need moral support for this bender
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize