Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
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