What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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