My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
