We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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