I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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