My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
