Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
