Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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