The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize
