i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
