Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
