I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize
