So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm getting married
To pizza
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
