I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
