im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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