I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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