ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
