Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
