I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
