im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
