I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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