end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
