Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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