I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
