I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
