i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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