I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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