dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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