Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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