How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize
