I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
