i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
