i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
