The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I got inside last night via doggy door
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
