I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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