I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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