I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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