Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
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