Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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