you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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