I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
