I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
