guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
