I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize