@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
