guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
