i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Damn victory sex feels great
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize