Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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